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Who Am I?

Preface: After writing this I realized there is still a lot to be said, but it's a start.

You asked my what I'm passionate about today and I can't tell you what I'm passionate about without telling you who I am, who I've become since college.

I'm reading Steven R. Covey's book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, (along with many other books recently), and Habit 2 talks about creating a mission statement. Covey suggest you list the roles you play in life to better shape your mission statement. I've not yet finished my mission statement and I'm not going to structure this... whatever this is, like that but I will start to explain who I am by listing my "roles" in life, and whatever comes to mind in those roles. Please, do not take this as a complete or perfect document, you've known me 8 years and you know I'll never list all my feelings here. Wish me luck, I wish you luck on reading this. I fear it may be long. Please, pardon the ramblings.

Son

I'll start with the role I was born for (ba-dum-tss). You know my parents almost as well as I do so I don't have to explain who they are. But in the time we've been apart a lot has happened. I've realized I'm the most loving son my parents have, more for my mother's sake. My mom has a very hard time with Tanner not showing his emotions and sharing what his life is like. She somehow blames herself for his solitude, but this isn't about Tanner. I really do love my parents, for all their faults they have done a wonderful job making the best life they can for all three of us boys. I don't think I'll ever truly know what it means to be a parent until I am one, but at the same time I'm starting to realize my parents have flaws. I know they both are human and I shouldn't expect them to be anything else but it's a sad day, the day you realize your parents are just as fucked up as you are.

Friend

I don't have a lot of friends, not truly. I have a ton of people I hang around, but they don't mean much to me. Until recently the only criteria for choosing my friends was location, my friends were simply the people around me, mostly in band. Now that I'm in college I have an almost unlimited source of people to befriend. Unfortunately, I'm not that good at picking friends. I tend to befriend people who are around me, the only way I know how. I don't talk to my friends from Freshmen year, I barely talk to any of my friends from Sophomore year and it seems Senior year is shaping up to be a new set of friends. One things for sure though, I'm done pretending to be someone I'm not, just to fit in. I'm too tired and too tightly wound to fake interest in things I have no interest in.

Writer

Now I'm sitting here wondering why I wrote down "writer", I'm not a writer. I love to write almost as much as I love to talk, but I'm not a writer. I'm not consistent enough to call myself a writer. I'll do the flip side though, for being a writer is nothing without first being a reader. I've fallen in love with reading, it doesn't matter what. I'm currently at a 50-page/day pace on Dune. For me reading is knowledge, knowledge is something I value high above almost everything else. The next point below is "Learner" so I want go too much into that quite yet but I do love reading. I love to read blogs, if you want to see what I'm reading check out my Pocket or just ask. If you've no interest (I don't blame you), I'll sum it up like this: tech blogs, self-help, think pieces about culture, and the occasional tech release. As for books:

  • 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
  • How to Win Friends and Influence People
  • Dune
  • Priceless

These are what I've been reading lately. Ask about them if you're interested.

Learner

Learning is my favorite hobby, I learn by creating. So in around about what "creating" is my favorite hobby but I never create anything without learning things as well. There's not much to say here, I just truly love learning.

Happy

I initially wrote this for the nickname you gave me but I changed my mind because being happy (the emotion) is very important to me right now. I'm happier now than I've ever been, a lot of shits starting to fall into place and I'm actually starting to like where I'm at, where I'm going, and where I've been in life. That doesn't mean I have my shit together because I don't, but I'm happy. All this "self help" shit I've been on recently is only possible because I'm happy. Before this I was too balls deep in staying afloat that I didn't care if the way I treated people was "good". I was ignorant of just how much growing I had to do. I finally feel like I'm growing as a person, truly for the better. And for the first time in my life I feel like I can control what I become.

Future

All that shit about controlling my future doesn't mean I know what I want that future to be. I know a lot of things about what I want my future to be like though, above all I want to maintain being happy. I don't want a "normal" life. I want to help people, mainly though education, and I want to be wealthy. Wealthy does not mean rich, sure I wouldn't mind a ton of money, but I want to be wealthy in friends, I want to be wealthy in influence, and I want to be wealthy in pride. I don't want to state any specifics about the future because those would only limit me.

I've run out of roles now, I might go back and add some more but I'll just continue onto something new for now. You asked about my passions, so now I'll actually try and list the things I'm passionate about (there will be some overlap with the roles I listed above, and I won't get everything I'm passionate about either).

Technology

You already know this, I love technology. Paul Graham says technology is the largest lever every invented, Archimedes said "Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world." I truly believe technology will be our salvation, and before you conjure up thoughts of The Terminator, or some machine god, realize that I mean technology will only improve the world we live in. The quality of life of all humans will be increased many fold if my view of the technological future happens the way I want to shape it. As for the here and now: I'm really into Linux, my computer can boot into both Windows 10 (send my regards to Windows 7, I truly do miss you), and Arch Linux. Arch Linux is known to be a very cumbersome and hard OS to work with, getting the fucking thing installed gains you some street cred. I'm also back into PC gaming, I've got a $3,000 gaming behemoth that I adore.

Helping Others

This blog that your reading this on has two roles, the first role is simply a place for me to keep track of all the technology things I work on, the second role is to educate people, to pass on the knowledge I have. My dream is to be an educator, I would love to teach at the college level but I hate the college ecosystem (if you ever want to see passion, ask about my thoughts on the American Education System). I believe technology has wrestled a "good education" out of the hands of the wealthy and has brought it to the masses, I want to be on the right side of history for that, thus this blog exist.

Music

My parents got me an electronic drum set for Christmas, and I love it. I can't go more than 12 hours without playing it. I'm itching at the bit to get back to Purdue and create a DAW (Digital Audio Workstation) to be able to create music on. As for listening to music I've been deep into rap music again. I know you probably hate me for this because to you rap music is about as appealing as country music but I can't help what I like.

Politics

I don't much care for American politics anymore simply because nothing ever gets done, and the things that do get done only get done by the highest bidder. Instead I like to focus on the politics of small groups. The Politics of Purdue, or even the politics of my friends group all interest me, as I can have a direct impact on these things, I can be my own politician.

If you have any questions about my thoughts on specifics of politics (of any kind) PLEASE ask, there are too many topics to list here, I promise I will give my full response.

Me

I have biased eyes, often I see the worst in myself. I'm lazy, unhealthy, and I spend too much time alone. I complain too much. I talk of grand dreams and plans but I never put the time in to accomplish these things. I'm inconsistent in almost every aspect of my life. I live from trend to trend, never sticking around long enough to benefit from any of it. I think myself superior to most people. I'm too proud to admit I'm wrong. I never admit to mistakes, often blaming anything else for my shortcomings. I love to cook. I'm good with people. I promise you, you'll never meet anyone else quite like me. I'm knowledgeable to a fault. I love children. I treat everyone as fairly as I can. I'm a good leader. I love to talk (this is both a good and bad thing). I love to listen as well. Overall, I hope to leave a positive impact on someone's life, and with enough positive impacts on peoples lives, I can leave a positive impact on the world.

You

(This will be brutally honest, a warning).

I haven't yet written about you, I don't know where to begin. I guess I don't really know you so much as I know "us", and it's been a long time since it's been "us". Every day I struggle with what you mean to me, how you fit into my life (or even if you do). I struggle with what I want out of you, who I want you to be. Some days I simply want you for sexual purposes, other days I want to just experience the world with you, and even still some days I don't think about you at all. I worry that I no longer enjoy being around you, that we are too different now to be together. I worry about our future together a lot. I worry I won't be able to financially support us to the point where we're both happy. I worry you won't be stable enough for us to have children. I worry of future heart break, one day you'll wake up and need to escape it all. I don't want to go though a break up, or a divorce with you. I don't want to build a life around us just to have it destroyed one day. And don't think that you're the only one who is a liability between us, I know damn well that I might be the one to call it quits, or go crazy. But there's also this feeling I get when I see you, it takes everything I have not to breakdown in tears when I hold you. You elevate me to such a high that everything that is wrong in my life slips away and I can look back on it and breath. I crave this above everything else in this world. I know in my heart of hearts I will never get this feeling with anyone else. You truly are my angel, you're the fuel that the fire in my heart burns on. You make food taste better, music is sweeter. Without you I am blind to what the world can be, everything is numbed, dulled, and grey. I love you.

I want to know what you thought about while reading this. If you have any questions please ask them. I very much enjoy talking to you Addison.